


Ruinous and True

by smaragdbird



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Developing Relationship, M/M, Slow Burn, good guy Rumlow, well somewhat at least
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-24
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-15 00:09:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3430616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>People meet the love of their lives at work, a bar or through playing World of Warcraft. Well, technically Brock Rumlow met the Winter Soldier at work. But usually the love of your life is not a seventy year old brainwashed and tortured assassin who was best friends with Captain America back in the day.</p><p>And if they are, it usually doesn't work out.</p><p>(Or how Rumlow being nice to the Winter Soldier results in one of the most unlikliest romances of all times)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ruinous and True

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Ruinous and True 破碎真言](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5177909) by [asadeseki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/asadeseki/pseuds/asadeseki)



> Written for the [Marvel Harlequin Challenge ](http://harlequin-marvel.dreamwidth.org/)
> 
> [Art](http://hm-f.livejournal.com/9571.html) by the amazing hm_f

The first time they worked together Rumlow was a little unsettled by the Winter Soldier’s blank stare. He had heard about him before, of course, but he had imagined someone different. When people in their profession called someone a ghost, they usually didn’t mean it literally but that was exactly the impression Winter gave.

“Hey, I’m Rumlow, Brock Rumlow. I’m your driver tonight.”

“Don’t take it personally”, Pierce said when the Winter Soldier didn’t react. “He’s not human but simply a tool to achieve our goals.”

Rumlow barely avoided raising his eyebrows because the man in front of him was very definitely human if a little weird. He was standing perfectly still and if he hadn’t been breathing and blinking one could have mistake him for a statue. Despite Pierce’s words he addressed the Winter Soldier directly. “You’re good to go?”

The Winter Soldier finally looked at him and gave him a tiny nod. 

He was sort of pretty, Rumlow thought, with those blue eyes and the full lips. He tilted his head and the Winter Soldier followed his cue as if they had been working together for a long time already. Well, he probably didn’t get his reputation through being pretty alone. Still, it was unsettling how he turned into a human statue when there was nothing else for him to do and even when he did move it was a little too efficient, too economic to come across as normal.

/

The Winter Soldier lived up to his reputation and the hit went off without a hitch. It was quick, efficient and unemotional. Rumlow still wasn’t too sure why someone like him would need a driver in the first place but he wasn’t in the habit of questioning his orders.

When the Winter Soldier came back to the car and slid into the passenger’s seat Rumlow asked, “Wanna grab some pizza before we head back?”

The Winter Soldier turned to him. “Pizza?” He asked as if he wasn’t sure what that was.

“Or something else. I’m hungry, aren’t you?” So far talking to Winter as Rumlow called him in his head has been like pulling teeth. Rumlow’s neighbour’s cat had more opinions than this guy. 

“I...yes...” he said it like he wasn’t sure what hungry meant either.

“Be glad we’re in Chicago. Best pizza in all states”, Rumlow said with the air of a man who knew what he was talking about.

Winter’s face was a mix of curiosity and apprehension which would have been hilarious if Rumlow had thought it was faked but it wasn’t. Something was definitely not right about him and it unsettled Rumlow. 

“I’m not allowed to be around civilians”, Winter said when they entered the restaurant. His shoulders were drawn and he was tense as if he was afraid, which was ridiculous.

“Just don’t shoot anyone unless they shoot you first”, Rumlow replied. He found them a table that was away from the windows and from where he could see both exits. Old habits died hard.

“Made up your mind, Winter?” He asked when the waiter approached their table. But Winter was staring helplessly at the menu as if he had never seen one before. Rumlow waved the guy away with a smile, mouthing “We need a bit more time” at him. “What do you like?” Rumlow asked Winter.

“I don’t know. I can’t...I can’t remember.” Rumlow frowned a little at his words but didn’t ask any questions.

“Well, then just pick one and see if you like it.” Perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea after all. But then Winter squared his shoulders and gave the menu a determined look. Again, it’d be hilarious if it wasn’t genuine. It made Rumlow question why he was carrying out assassinations when he should be in counselling. Even Hydra has counsellors. Rumlow had been to one. And sure they were double dealing bastards who reported every word he said but they were still counsellors and not too bad at their job.

Winter eventually chose pizza pollo while Rumlow stuck to his usual pizza tonno and ordered two cokes as well. Winter seemed almost relived when the waiter took the menus away.

“Earlier, you called me Winter?” Winter asked once the waiter had left.

“Well, no one told me your real name, so...”, Rumlow trailed off and shrugged. “I can call you something else if you don’t like it.”

“No, I....Winter”, he said softly and smiled. “I like it.”

It turned out that while Winter liked pizza, he wrinkled his nose at the coke.

“You don’t like it?” Rumlow asked.

Winter shook his head. “It tastes...wrong.”

“Wrong?” Rumlow raised an eyebrow at his strange choice of words. 

Winter shrugged.

“You’re weird”, Rumlow snorted and left it at that.

/

They returned to Hydra without any further incident and that was the last Rumlow saw or heard of Winter for a couple months. Not unusual in their profession. Sometimes he caught himself wondering about what Winter was doing though. He had been odd enough to leave an impression.

When Rumlow did see him again, it was nothing like he had expected.

“Hey Winter, how you’re doing?” Rumlow asked when he came into the briefing room and saw Winter standing next to the door.

For some reason Winter’s eyes darted quickly through the room as if he was looking for someone, or as if he was a frightened animal desperately looking for an escape route. When he couldn’t find either he asked softly. “Do I know you?”

“Yeah, we did the hit in Chicago, six, seven months ago.”

“I don’t remember”, Winter said, bracing himself as if he was expecting to be hit.

“Agent Rumlow”, Pierce said as he entered the room, “How are you?”

“Fine, sir”, Rumlow replied automatically. He sneaked a look at Winter who had gone still as a statue, his eyes blank.

“Considering your last mission went well, I take you have no objection to work with the Winter Soldier again?”

“Of course not, sir. He’s very good at what he does.”

“That he is.”

It only occurred to him later that Pierce never looked at or addressed Winter directly during the whole briefing.

/

Just like last time Rumlow took Winter out for pizza afterwards. It was tradition for his team to celebrate a successful mission with food and while he was working with him, Winter was on his team for better or worse.

“You picked that one last time as well”, Rumlow said when Winter chose the same pizza again.

“I don’t remember”, Winter replied softly, almost like he was apologising. He still looked as if ordering pizza was completely outside of his skillset. At least it explained why the guy was never going on missions alone as far as Rumlow knew.

Remembering that Winter didn’t like coke the last time around, Rumlow ordered lemonade instead. Technically they were both adults and he could order beer if he wanted to but he had to drive and maybe Winter was on some medication that made him forgetful. Mixing meds and alcohol was never a good idea.

/

After that mission the Winter Soldier was assigned to Rumlow and eventually his team more often. Out on the missions Rumlow mostly hung back and let Winter do what he did best. He might not be able to remember what kind of pizza he liked but when it came to taking someone out, Winter was second to none. He was brutal, efficient and beautiful. He was violence personified but without an ounce of malice or cruelty like an earthquake or a volcano, like a force of nature.

“If you can stop staring at the Asset for five minutes I have some new intel about our second target”, Rollins said dryly.

Rumlow could deny it but he’d be lying and Rollins and he had been friends for years. “Fuck you”, he replied instead.

“Nah, I’m not your type. Apparently you like pretty psychopaths.”

“Shut your fucking mouth Jack”, he said without heat after taking a quick look to see whether Winter had heard them or not. If he had, he gave no indication of it.

/

Up until the first time Rumlow saw Winter coming out of cryo he had thought that the title Winter Soldier was passed on from one agent to the next. Sort of like the Dread Pirate Robert. Because there was no way a Soviet sniper “recovered” by Hydra in the sixties could be the same guy Rumlow had been going on missions with for the past year. Pierce seemed to see it as a demonstration of the trust he placed in Rumlow, that he allowed him to know the truth. His and Winter’s track record had been unblemished so far.

“So he’s what, ninety?” Rumlow asked while he and Pierce waited for Winter to wake up.

“Technically yes, but considering he’s frozen between missions he’s not even thirty.”

“Guess that’s one way to avoid wrinkles”, Rumlow quipped and Pierce gave him half a smile.

Later, when they were alone, Rumlow asked, “Is that why you keep forgetting things?” He nodded towards the cryo tank.

Winter shook his head. “Sometimes they do something before they put me under. It hurts.”

“Guess that answers why you don’t have any hobbies or favourite food or music or fuck, anything.” He sounded angrier than he meant to. Sure, he understood why Hydra wanted to keep Winter young and available but that was why you had training programs. Shield had some pretty good snipers they could bring over to their side like Barton or Bishop. But putting Winter into cryo for seventy plus years seemed excessive.

“I like pizza”, Winter said, interrupting Rumlow’s thoughts. 

“Everyone likes pizza. If they say they don’t they’re either lying or haven’t had a good one yet. But I guess it’s a start.”

The smile that lit Winter’s face was warm and it felt like a secret, shared just between the two of them.

/

“I like this pizza better than the one last time”, Winter said when they were getting their usually post-op pizza. Whatever Pierce’s pet lab techs were doing to Winter to make him forget they hadn’t done it the last two times and so he remembered more than usually.

“Write it down”, Rumlow said. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a standard lined notebook and a pen. “What you like, what you don’t like. So you don’t have to start from scratch each time.”

Winter hesitated. “I can’t keep it.”

“I’ll keep it for you. Don’t worry, I won’t read it. I already know you don’t like coke. I still think it’s the cryo messing with your head, but whatever.”

Winter took the notebook and the pen, turning them over in his hands. “Thank you.”

Rumlow shrugged. “Didn’t do just for you. It makes my life easier if I don’t have to explain to you every time who I am and why pineapple has no business being on a pizza.”

“It’s not that bad”, Winter replied with an almost smile.

/

The first time he witnessed what Pierce was doing to wipe Winter’s memory, Rumlow was sick afterwards. He had seen torture. Hell, he tortured people himself, both for Shield and for Hydra. But Winter’s childlike acceptance, as if he was fucking used to this, twisted his stomach all the way around. They didn’t even put him in cryo afterwards because he was needed again. And Rumlow wondered what Pierce was so afraid of that Winter could remember. Was it his loyalty to his home country? Perhaps, unlike Romanov, he hadn’t been able to be persuaded to switch sides so whoever captured him wiped his memories so they could make use of his talents.

“Hey Winter, do you know who I am?” Rumlow asked once they were alone. Winter looked dreadful and there was a tension to his shoulders that told Rumlow he was still in pain.

Winter’s eyes flickered to his face and then across the room. “I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. I’m Brock Rumlow. I’m your team leader.”

“I remember you”, Winter said slowly. “We...we were in Chicago.”

“That’s right”, Rumlow replied with relief. “Let’s find your gear and get out of here. We have a job to do. No rest for the wicked.”

Once they were in the car and outside the Hydra compound, Rumlow reached into his pocket and gave Winter his notebook.

“That’s yours”, he said when Winter looked at him questioningly. “You should read it.”

“What’s in it?” Winter asked, only taking it hesitatingly.

“I have no idea. I didn’t even read my brother’s diary and I sure as hell won’t read yours.”

They didn’t talk for the rest of the drive but Rumlow could feel Winter looking up from his notes every now and then and studying him closely. He wondered if Winter had written about him and what it said.

/

For once they didn’t get pizza but burgers in the aftermath of another successful mission. Or rather Rumlow decided and Winter went along with it. The burgers were good but Winter seemed to be distracted by something. 

“What’s up?” Rumlow asked finally. 

Winter’s eyes strayed to the building on the other side of the street. “Can we go there?” He asked, sounding almost like a child.

“The Nature and Space Museum?” Rumlow asked.

Immediately Winter seemed to shrink, the cautiously hopeful expression wiped from his face.

“Sure, we’ve got three hours to kill anyway.”

Winter stared at him. “Really?”

“Yes, really. Eat your burger and let’s go.”

Rumlow wasn’t that fond of museums but seeing Winter’s childlike wonder at the whole thing made the trip worth it. For once his smiles seemed genuine as he tried the different activities the museum had set up for its visitors.

/

“A museum?” Rollins asked, grinning from ear to ear. “You hate museums.

Rumlow shrugged. “It wasn’t that bad.”

In return Rollins laughed and shook his head. “You got it bad, mate.”

“It’s not like that”, Rumlow rolled his eyes. “He can barely remember who I am. That’s not very romantic.”

The last word triggered fresh laughter from Rollins who almost fell of the couch as a consequence. “It’s worse than I thought if you’re already thinking about him with words like that in mind.”

“Fuck off, why am I friends with you again?”

Rollins gave him his most obnoxious grin. “’Cause you can’t live without me, mate.”

Rumlow hit him with a pillow but didn’t say anything because it was close enough.

/

“The roads are blocked by the snow”, Rumlow said when he called Pierce about the blizzard that had enveloped parts of northern Canada. “And it doesn’t seem to let up anytime soon. There’s a Shield safe house not too far from where we are. It’s not being used at the moment, I checked.”

“What about the Winter Soldier?” Pierce said, clearly less than happy with the situation.

“Are you kidding?” Rumlow scoffed. “I could put him into the shed with the other tools. Guy’s a robot.”

“Well, then see to it that you return as quickly as possible. There are important missions waiting.”

“Will do, boss”, Rumlow promised and hung up.

“You lied”, Winter said.

“Exaggerated maybe”, Rumlow grinned. “I wouldn’t outright lie to my boss. But I thought we deserved a couple days off after that bloody mess.” Literally, their target had been surrounded by a ten men security team and they had taken out most of them in close combat. “Let’s get food and beer and watch hockey.”

They hit the supermarket first. Rumlow told Winter to go wild in the food section while he went to get alcohol.

“Someone’s hungry”, Rumlow commented when he saw the amount of food Winter had put into the cart. 

“It’s something to do with the – “Winter started to explain but Rumlow interrupted him.

“It’s okay, I don’t need to know. Man, Pierce is going to think I have a tapeworm when I show him the receipt”, Rumlow said and slung an arm around Winter’s shoulders. For a moment Winter stiffened and Rumlow almost pulled back but then he relaxed and Rumlow’s arm stayed where it was.

/

“These are pretty good”, Winter said after he had wolfed down his third burger.

“Pretty good? You’re insulting my culinary skills here. Next time, you cook.”

“You don’t want to do that to yourself.”

“Probably not”, Rumlow said and then asks, “Can you even cook?”

Winter grinned and shrugged.

“When this is over I’m gonna teach you.”

“Pierce won’t like that.”

“Fuck Pierce, you need some life skills mate. I should probably be grateful you’re toilet trained.”

Winter laughed. A deep, full belly laugh. Rumlow was not going to say that it was the most wonderful sound in the world because a) he was not that far gone for the guy yet and b) even in the privacy of his own head it sounded sappy, but it came close.

Out of impulse he grabbed his phone and took a picture. Winter was smiling so rarely that he felt the need to commit it. A reminder for when Winter was inevitably put on ice again and they might never see each other again.

Even when he slept Winter kept the eerie stillness he had when he was awake. Or at least mostly. When he started moving around, throwing himself from one side of the bed to the other that was when the nightmares hit. He never spoke, never made a single sound but Rumlow knew they had to be pretty fucking bad. Winter told him once that he didn’t dream when he was in cryo which was a small mercy but a mercy all the same. 

In the small hours of the morning, when the world was sluggish and cold and silent as the dead, Rumlow had to remind himself that it was worth it. That it was all worth it. Though it never sounded quite as convincing then. If Winter was actually a pet and not just a man Pierce treated like one, he’d have been put down long ago. That, too, would’ve been a mercy.

/

“Huh”, was the first thing Winter said when he woke up from cryo six years after the last time they had seen each other. His eyes focus on Rumlow immediately and for once they weren’t dazed.

“I’m Brock Rumlow. I’m your team leader”, Rumlow said like he did every time. Sometimes it helped to trigger Winter’s memory and sometimes it didn’t.

“I remember you”, Winter said without hesitation. That was a first. He stretched his hand out until his fingertips touched Rumlow’s cheek ever so slightly. The contact sent little shocks through Rumlow’s skin as if he was being electrocuted. “You’re getting old.”

“Fuck you”, Rumlow replied and threw a t-shirt at Winter’s face. It didn’t erase the small smile on Winter’s face though and Rumlow was glad it didn’t.

By the time he reminded himself that he wasn’t supposed to want this, it was already too late.

/

“You must be happy that they finally took your boyfriend out of the fridge”, Rollins said the next day, sitting on the edge of Rumlow’s desk.

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“Seriously Brock, you’ve been smiling more in the last 24 hours than during the past year. I know you like the guy, but don’t go there.”

“There’s nothing”, Rumlow replied and met Rollins’ eyes openly. 

“See that it stays that way.”

There was something about the earnest tone Rollins used that made Rumlow crack up. “Listen to yourself. Are you actually concerned about me?”

Rollins rolls his eyes. “’Course not, asshole.”

/

And one point Winter had to have written down that Rumlow allowed him to go to museums because he started asking more frequently. Not all museums, but if it has science or nature somewhere in its name, chances are Winter wanted to visit.

Rumlow never had the heart to say no. 

This time they were in Hong Kong but the guy they were supposed to kill was meant to show up at a conference that had been postponed. Pierce trusted Rumlow enough to keep Winter on a leash while they waited instead of ordering them to come back to the States. 

The Hong Museum of Space was tiny and nothing that, thanks to Winter, Rumlow hadn’t seen before. Winter however seemed to be terribly amused by a map of Europe. Or maybe being electrocuted and frozen over and over again had finally got to him and he lost it completely.

“What’s so funny?”

“The map” Winter grinned and pointed at it. 

Rumlow started at it then at Winter. “Are you feeling alright?”

“Even I can see those borders are twenty years out of date.”

And now that he pointed it out, so could Rumlow. “You’re easily amused, aren’t you?” He asked because Winter was still smiling, blue eyes shining with happiness and he looked like a different person altogether. It was almost as if they were back in Canada again.

“Do you think we could get some food?” Winter asked once he managed to tear his eyes away from the map. Half the world away from Hydra and Pierce especially there was a confidence to Winter made Rumlow want to know the person Winter had been before. Had he been a child soldier like Romanov? Or just an earnest believer in his country, young enough not to know better when he volunteered to be frozen. Or maybe Hydra was just continuing the mind wiping the Soviets had already used and he was someone else altogether.

It was pointless to speculate. Whoever Winter had been that person was long gone.

“Your choice”, he answered Winter. “I can’t wrap my head around some of the stuff they serve here.”

“I think I quite like Chinese food”, Winter said, already scribbling it into his notebook.

“That’s because you’re weird”, Rumlow replied and for once Winter snorted instead of shrinking back into the puppet Pierce wanted him to be.

/

Rumlow went on a mission for Shield after he and Winter were done in Hong Kong. A hostage crisis that didn’t look as though it was going to end peacefully unless someone took the kidnappers out. Once or twice he found himself wishing that Winter was here with him. Not just because he was a great sniper, Barton wasn’t too bad either, but because he missed him.

“Should I take you to a museum so you feel better?” Rollins asked and because he was an asshole he did it when Barton was in the room. They had the blueprint of the building the hostages were kept in between them to find the best entrance routes once they were called in.

Rumlow glared at Rollins when Barton asked, “I thought you hated museums.”

“His boyfriend loves them”, Rollins added with a smug grin. Best friend or not, Rumlow was going to kill him.

“Boyfriend?” Barton perked up. Not only was he Shield’s best marksman but he was also its biggest gossip. “Anyone I know?” He and Rumlow had been on a two months observation detail once which had turned out to be pointless but at least they had become friends, sort of.

“No”, Rumlow said with finality. “And he’s not my boyfriend. Just someone I know.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie but he didn’t know what else to call it when you said something that wasn’t true.

/

Satisfied with Hong Kong Pierce sent them to Palermo next. They had a week to kill one of the local mob bosses there without suspicion falling on his successor. Framing people wasn’t exactly Rumlow’s forte but he’d rather not think of the consequences for both of them if he failed.

Their base of operations was a bungalow on the outskirts of Palermo, not too far from the ocean. Usually it was rented out to couples on their honeymoon, so they could enjoy the scenery while not disturbing their neighbours when things got loud. Rollins had teased him mercilessly when he had found out that little detail.

“So, this guy has four major rivals. Which one of them should we set up?” Rumlow asked, holding up their pictures. “Pick one.”

Winter, who was dozing in the sun because they kept him in cryo between Hong Kong and now and was feeling cold all the time, made an unwilling noise in the back of his throat.

“I didn’t catch that”, Rumlow teased him.

“I said don’t frame the boss, frame one of their underlings”, Winter replied.

That actually wasn’t a bad idea. Framing one of the target’s rivals would be too obvious but framing one of their second in command’s could work.

“Guess you’re useful for more than looking pretty and shooting people”, Rumlow said without a second thought. 

/

Winter was waiting for him when he came back from doing some preliminary work. They had three more days to pull this off and so far their track record had been a 100%. He didn’t want to change that.

“All done?” Winter asked.

“As much as I can. I’m not exactly Romanov.” He wondered if Romanov and Winter had known each other once. For all he knew the Red Room had been a small organisation, even if they had wielded more influence than the rest of the KGB together.

Winter gave him a look that he couldn’t decipher, but it was as soft as the wind, and as sporadic as the ocean below them, and he looked gentle in the evening light. It became, at times like this, Rumlow thought, almost hard to believe that this was the same man who ruthlessly killed people.

He broke the eye contact first. He remembered Jack’s warning about not getting in too deep all too well and it felt more relevant now than ever before.

“We should – “he didn’t get any further because Winter kissed him right there on the porch. Rumlow let himself enjoy the sensation for a moment but then he pushed Winter back gently.

“Why did you do that?” He asked.

“I wanted to. You make me feel safe.”

“Two days ago you could barely remember my fucking name. You’re in no position to decide whether you can trust me or not.”

“I wrote it down.” Winter fumbled for his notebook and showed Rumlow a sentence he had underlined a few times. It was in Russian, right below the descriptions of a skinny blonde guy.

“I can’t read any Russian. For all I know that says you like Blini.”

“I do”, Winter said without missing a beat. “But that’s not what it says. It means I trust you. I wrote it down a couple times.”

Rumlow knew that a good man would keep refusing. He closed his eyes and imagined how it would be for a moment. To kiss Winter back. To crowd him against the wall. To push him down on the bed.

He opened his eyes and pushed Winter further back. “I’m not going to take advantage of the fact that I’m the only person who has treated you like a human being in who knows how long. If you still feel like kissing me when you can remember your name then we’ll talk.”

Winter nodded but he looked like Rumlow just killed his puppy.

“Hey”, Rumlow said and gripped the side of Winter’s neck. “It’s not a no. It’s a later.”

It wasn’t much but Winter gave him a tiny smile. 

/

“So what’s up with you and the asset?” Rollins asked.

“What do you mean?” Rumlow asked back, feigning ignorance.

“I mean that thing where he stares at you when you’re not looking and you stare at him when he’s not looking.”

“I have no idea what you’re on about.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Sure you don’t. And next you’re trying to convince me that nothing happened in Palermo.”

“Nothing happened in Palermo”, Rumlow said, stressing the second word.

“You totally ignored my good advice and fell for him anyway, didn’t you?”

“No.”

Rollins raises his eyebrows.

“Nothing happened”, Rumlow repeated. Maybe if he said it often enough it’d come true.

/

Any thoughts about grabbing Winter and making a run for it vanished with the battle of New York. 

Fucking aliens. 

Hydra...no Pierce saw a chance for Hydra to take over while Shield was distracted by bigger things. Rumlow couldn’t blame them. He hadn’t been prepared for an alien invasion either. Winter was being kept out of cryo for nearly the whole time because there were lots of things to do for him. 

It meant he was being wiped more often, too. The little notebook Rumlow had given him was full vague, half remembered things, none of which really made any sense. At the same time he remembered more than he used to. Despite what Pierce seemed to believe Winter didn’t go back to zero each time he was wiped. Sight seems to trigger his memory the most. He could recall the names of their teammates as soon as he saw them and once when Rumlow let him look through the pictures on his phone, Winter remembered laughing about the out of date map in Hong Kong.

Irony dictated that Steve Rogers aka Captain fucking America was put in charge of his team. Rumlow knew that Pierce wanted him to keep an eye on Rogers while Fury thought being on a strike team would suit him more than espionage. As a result he willingly visited a museum for the first time in his life. When he saw Winter’s face looking back at him from a display about the Howling Commandoes so many things suddenly became clear. The whole situation was fucked up beyond whatever Rumlow had been imagining.

Technically he and Steve were supposed to co-lead which usually resulted in Steve calling the shots during the mission but Rumlow being in charge for the rest of it.

Despite this he found himself liking Steve. He was young and stubborn and sarcastic but also charismatic and clever and Rumlow could see why people had followed him. Why Winter had liked him enough to follow him through hell.

Still the more he worked with Rogers the more he questioned Pierce’s decision to leave him alive. Unless he intended to do him the same he had done to Winter Rumlow couldn’t see Steve joining Hydra. He sincerely believed that even in the face of an alien invasion freedom was better than strength. And he’d go down fighting for those ideals.

/

Pierce kept Winter in cryo for more than a year. Up until Project Insight was nearly at its completion. Nick Fury wasn’t going to quietly step aside and let Hydra take over. And then, just like Rumlow had predicted, Steve found out and took the fight to them.

He and Winter didn’t see each other again until after Winter had confronted Steve and Rogers subsequent escape.

“Brock”, Winter said as he came down a hallway on one of the secret floors in the Triskelion.

“You’re not supposed to be here”, Rumlow hissed and pulled him into an empty room. “Why are you here? Pierce is probably already looking for you.”

“I wanted to see you.”

“Why?” Winter had never taken a risk like this before. 

“The man on the bridge...I knew him...”

“Don’t ever say that again”, Rumlow said forcefully. “Never.”

“But – “Winter seemed to shrink under his words as if he was scared.

“No.” He almost shouted the last word. So far Winter had at most remembered things a few years back. Rumlow didn’t want to know what Pierce was going to do if he found out Winter started to remember things from before his time as the Winter Soldier. It was bad enough that they had failed their mission to kill Rogers.

Suddenly Winter leaned in and tried to kiss him, just like he had in Palermo. “Please”, Winter said, both hands resting on Rumlow’s chest. “They’re gonna wipe me again, you know that. I won’t even remember it.”

It was tempting. It was so godawful tempting that Rumlow almost gave in. Instead he pushed Winter away like he had done in Palermo. “No.”

The hurt look on Winter’s face was painful to see. “You know I’ll never remember my name. They won’t let. Just tell me you don’t want me and stop giving me that bullshit excuse.”

“I want you. Don’t ever fucking doubt that”, Rumlow was not yelling but it was close, too close. Just like he was too close to Winter once again, so close that they were almost touching. “Once Hydra has won, they’re not going to need you anymore.”

“They’ll just kill me”, Winter said with absolute certainty.

“Not gonna let that happen.” He wanted to touch Winter without making it look like an invitation so he took his hands, opened his fists so that they were palm to palm, their fingers interlaced until Winter’s real hand stopped shaking and his metal one warmed a little to the touch. “I promise you if we live through this, I’m yours.”

Winter stared at him for a long moment before he let out a breath and said, “How can you expect me not to want a kiss after that?”

“Not too sure myself”, Rumlow admitted. He let go of Winter’s hands anyway. “You should go. They’re waiting for you.”

“You’ve been the only thing I’ve ever remembered and every time they put me into that machine I’m afraid that when I wake up I’ll have no idea who you are”, Winter said and it felt like a punch to the gut.

“Then we’ll start from scratch. It only took, what, twenty years the first time around?” Rumlow joked. It felt weak. It felt as if this was goodbye, which was stupid because they were going to see each other in just a few hours when everything was done.

Winter gave him the ghost of a smile. His hand was shaking again. A few more hours, Rumlow reminded himself again, until Hydra had won and then they could...they could...Deep down he knew it was bullshit but this was the path he had chosen. He wasn’t some kind of fucking hero. He couldn’t choose one man over the world.

/

Just before the building collapsed on him, Rumlow wondered if Winter made it out alive. He hoped he had. One of them should and Winter deserved a second chance much more than he did.

/

The pain medication made the world hazy so Brock didn’t react at first when he saw someone standing by the window. He wasn’t even sure if there actually was someone there or if he was hallucinating. When he recognised the man he let out a rough laugh. “Come to finish it?”

Winter shook his head. He looked different in civilian clothes and with his hair pulled back. “Hydra fell.”

“Guess we’re fucked then.” Brock recognised the clear look in Winter’s eyes. “They didn’t wipe you again since last time, did they?”

“No.”

“Any new memories apart from recognising Rogers?”

“Did you know?” Winter asked.

“Yes, not from the start but once they found Rogers alive, I did.”

“You didn’t tell me.” There was no emotion in Winter’s voice. No hurt or disappointment just a blank voice coming from a blank face.

“No.” He couldn’t even blame it on Pierce. He had never been ordered not to talk with Winter about his past. But then again Pierce had always believed Winter to be less lucid than he had actually been. If Winter wanted to kill him for keeping this secret from him, he wouldn’t and couldn’t stop him. When Winter just kept standing at the window, Brock eventually asked, “What are you going to do?”

Winter shrugged. “Hydra doesn’t exist anymore.” Pierce didn’t exist anymore. He was free to do whatever he wanted.

“You’re gonna find Rogers?” Brock asked. It seemed the most logical course of action.

To his surprise Winter shook his head. “He thinks I’m someone I’m not. Not anymore.”

Brock waited because obviously Winter wasn’t finished yet. 

“You’re my friend.” It sounded hesitant and Brock had never wanted to kill Pierce for what he had done to Winter more than now.

“You want my help?”

Winter nodded.

“I’m pretty banged up. Not sure how much use I’ll be to you.”

“I don’t want to be alone.”

Brock gave him a half smile. “You’re not. I have your back, as usual. Not that you remember that.”

“I do. Bits and pieces anyway.”

“Good. You owe me twenty quid.”

Winter almost smiled. “I don’t.”

“Dammit”, Brock grinned. “So, where do you want to go?”

/

Winter brought them to a small apartment in Brooklyn. Brock thought it was risky hiding right on Tony Stark’s doorstep and around the corner from Shield’s NY branch, disbanded or not, but Winter was adamant about it.

“I’m from here”, he said and Brock stopped arguing. 

For two fugitives they were awfully domestic. Brock was still healing from having a helicarrier crash on him and could barely manage to walk through the apartment in one go on a good day. Winter was hunting his memories which involved a lot of books about Captain America, interviews, everything Winter could find bar actually finding Steve Rogers. Their apartment looked like they were the biggest Captain America fans in the world and Brock had actually worked with Phil Coulson.

“There’s nothing”, Winter yelled angrily and threw the book he had been reading across the room. “This is shit. I remember nothing. What the fuck was Pierce so afraid off?”

Brock had wondered the same thing as well. He had seen Winter being wiped quite a few times and he had never remembered more than fragments. Hell, Brock still wasn’t sure if Winter actually remembered being James Barnes or if he had simply accepted the facts as his memory.

For Winter’s sake alone he was glad that Hydra fell.

“You could always find Rogers”, Brock said but Winter shook his head like every time Brock had suggested it. “You know he’s probably looking for you, right? Sooner or later he’s going to find you.” Rogers was nothing if not stubborn and having his best friend coming back from the dead would even make Brock go and look for him.

/

“I remember the safe house in Palermo”, Winter said one day.

“I figured you would, sooner or later.” Brock didn’t feel quite ready for this discussion yet.

“You said if I remembered my name...”

“And, do you remember your name?”

Winter pressed his lips together and looked away. That answered that question at least. Brock stood up and, heavily supporting himself in the edge of the table, walked around to him.

“Look, all of this is really fucked up. And I can’t say I don’t want to. But there are lines I don’t cross. You’re still way too dependent on me.”

Winter gave him a lopsided smirk. “You depend on me, too. You can barely walk across the room.”

“True”, Brock grinned.

Winter took a step closer. He looked at Brock from under his eyelashes and said, “Just because I don’t remember the name I once had doesn’t mean I can’t make decisions for myself. I already chose you, because even when I was at my most vulnerable you had my back.”

They were so close that Brock could feel the warmth of Winter’s body against his skin even though they weren’t touching. Winter’s breath was brushing over his face but he was leaving that last step to Brock. 

“Damn you”, he whispered through his dry mouth and pressed his lips to Winter’s. As far as kisses went it was not the most passionate or the most romantic. To Brock it felt as if the last piece of a puzzle was sliding into place, surrendering to the inevitable.

/

Every day they didn’t get caught was one more day they shouldn’t have had.

/

He wasn’t surprised to find Rogers on the other side of their doorstep, only that it took him so long.

“You”, Rogers said and his face darkened.

Brock raised his hands in surrender. “Relax, Rogers. I’m not the bad guy here.”

“Where is Bucky?” Rogers almost growled. 

“Inside. Come on.” He stepped aside to let Rogers in. It was obvious Rogers didn’t trust him but he followed him back into the kitchen nonetheless. Winter was sitting at the kitchen table eating his very soggy cereal because he was a heathen, no amount of brainwashing could explain his love for soggy cereal.

“Your friend’s here”, Brock announced and stood next to Winter. There was an unmistakable tension in his shoulders but he still met Roger’s eyes straight ahead.

“Hey, Bucky.”

Winter looked up from his breakfast and said calmly, “Hi, Steve.”

“Do you remember me?” Steve’s eyes kept darting to Brock, obviously wondering why the hell he was here.

“Bits and pieces.” James said. “I guess you have questions. I know I do.”

Steve’s eyes flickered to Brock. “One or two.”

“I’ll be outside if you need me”, Brock said. He grabbed his coffee and hobbled outside, climbing onto the fire escape. He had expected this day for months but now that it was actually there, he didn’t know how to deal with it. This was the end. James would go with Steve, Brock knew that with stark, painful clarity. James would go with Steve and he’d be left behind.

/

To his surprise it was Steve who eventually joined him on the fire escape. He looked exhausted and Brock’s first instinct was to go and see how James was doing but Steve gave the impression that he wanted to talk to Brock.

“He says you’re a good man”, Steve said as an opening line.

Brock scoffed. “Of course he would say that. He’s in no shape to judge that.”

“Well after what Bucky told me I think you’re a better man than I gave you credit for.”

“Isn’t that the fucking compliment of the century.”

They stood there in silence for a while until Brock said, “I almost ran with him. I was this close to taking him and leave.” He held his forefinger and thumb half an inch apart. “And then New Mexico happened and then New York and I thought fuck it, we all need to make sacrifices to the greater good. Both Shield and Hydra taught me that.” He still stood by his decision but at the same time regretted not having run with James. If Thor had arrived on earth a week later then so many things would’ve been different. Palermo had pushed him that close to that particular decision.

Steve said nothing which was just fine with Brock. There was nothing he could say.

“You don’t think Hydra was wrong.”

“It was wrong how they treated James but not their aims. I’m not comfortable leaving the safety of the world with the likes of Tony Stark.”

“And now?” Steve asked.

Brock shrugged. “Don’t have the choice anymore.”

They fell silent again until Steve asked the question he had probably asked since he had come out here. “Do you love him?”

“Yes”, Brock answered without hesitation. After nearly twenty years of knowing Winter, he could finally admit it openly. If Jack was still alive he’d never let him live it down. “But if he wants to go with you I won’t stop him”, he said even though the words felt like glass in his mouth.

Steve gave him a long look but then he nodded. “Thank you.”

/

“I’m guessing you’ll go with Steve then”, Brock said after Steve had left. He’d be back, Brock had little doubt about that. “I knew it was going to end this way when – “

“Shut up, Brock”, James said.

“I understand you want to be with your friend. You have no reason to stay here and –“

James put his hands on Brock’s shoulders and kissed him. “Are you shutting up now?” He found Brock’s eyes and said, “I’m not going anywhere. I chose you, do you get that? And if Steve doesn’t like it then I don’t care. No one gets to make decisions for me anymore, not you, not him, not anyone.”

“What do we do next then?” Brock asked. There was a certain thrill being able to say “we”.

“We could go on a date”, James said. “Once you can walk more than ten meters.”

“A date?”

“Haven’t been to the N.Y. Natural History museum yet. Well, I did go in 1938 but I guess it’s been updated since then.”

“You’d hope”, Brock replied. He tried to sound unaffected but he couldn’t help but smile at James and James smiled back at him.

It wasn’t an ending but they might, in time, learn to be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


End file.
